Riding With the Brakes On

Last weekend, I went for my first bike ride of the spring season. I did a 16 mile round-trip that typically took about an hour when in shape. On this particular occasion, however, I had been riding for nearly an hour and only just reached the half-way mark. I attributed my slow pace to the fact that I was out of shape, that I had a stiff head-wind, that I slowed down for pedestrians, and that perhaps I needed to give my bike a tune up.

But despite the number of readily available "reasons" for my poor performance, when I took the time to actually look more carefully at my bike, I saw that my back wheel was slightly out of true, and that my rear brake was applying a small amount of friction to the entire rotation of the wheel. Yes, I had just ridden about 8 miles with my brakes on.

The problem was easy enough to fix once I noticed it. By releasing some of the tension in the brake cable, I was able to generate much more forward speed for the remainder of the ride. And in that moment, I realized I had just re-enacted one of the models I use with clients in order to make greater forward progress on their primary goals.

N.R.G - Notice, Release, Generate.

Until I noticed that my progress was slower, I never bothered to do anything about it. In fact, even afterward, I still had simplistic reasons to explain away my results, but it was the act of looking that revealed the cause. Often times, clients do the same thing, with the most common reasons for stalled progress being that there's not enough time or money, else there are external circumstances at play. While that may be true, the act of deliberately noticing all that you can about your experience of a situation has a way of revealing new information that was unavailable prior to the conscious act of noticing.

On my ride, I was able to release brake tension. For my clients, this is about letting go of default ways of being, unchallenged assumptions, thinking that "that's just the way things are," or perhaps about surfacing unexpressed expectations or resentments. Not until these things move from the subconscious to conscious awareness do we gain the ability to make deliberate choices about how we want these things to impact our lives.

Finally, I was able to generate greater forward motion. For clients, this step is about using the energy that was freed up from the release, and applying it towards things of greater importance.

Take the First Step

Recently, I was in a weekend seminar in a high-rise office building downtown. The seminar was on the 40th floor, and only a few people in our group had a key-card that would enable the elevator to take us up. This was an express elevator, and it only went between the lobby and the 40th floor.

In this particular moment, there were about 10 of us in the lobby with no way to return to class. So I pushed the elevator button anyway, the door opened, and about half of us got in. The door closed and we all just stood there chatting, until somebody said "Oh! I thought you had a key."

"Nope. I have no idea how I am going to get to the 40th floor. But I do know that getting in the elevator is the first step."

At that moment, the elevator began to move, apparently because somebody already on the 40th floor pushed the elevator call-button. We went along for the ride, and stepped out when the doors opened at our destination.

There are three lessons to derive from this simple story.

1. One need not know how to achieve a goal in order to take the first step.
2. Take the first step. Chance favors the prepared.
3. An act of leadership, however simple, invites others to follow.

Mental Anti Virus

Would it surprise you to learn that vast numbers of the computer systems across the globe that are critical to our very survival have not been upgraded in decades and that many are infected with rogue software? I'm talking about computers that are highly networked via an open architecture, and that are running the very systems that keep us alive today.

At a minimum, you might be curious to learn what these systems are, right? In the words of Bob Maowad, these are "the fastest working, coolest running, most compact and efficient computer mechanisms ever produced in mass quantity by unskilled labor."

He's referring to our brain, and the unfortunate truth is that many of us today are still running software that has not been upgraded in years. By that, I mean that the way we see the world and the way we interpret everything that we experience and do is filtered through the software that we developed when we were younger -- anywhere from childhood, through adolescence. Mind you, this software has served us extremely well. There's nothing wrong with it, and it's not technically broken. However, I submit that without running the equivalent of a mental anti-virus program, that we still have some limiting thoughts and ideas that are be robbing us of our true power, effectiveness, trust, intimacy, creativity, compassion, and love.

So when was the last time you ran an anti-virus scan on your mental software? When was the last time you took a deep look at what you believe to be true, looking specifically for the ways in which your views might be self-limiting? Unfortunately, even for the most introspective among us, there are certain things that are extremely difficult to see. By the same token that fish are the last ones to discover water, our self-imposed limitations are nearly everywhere, nearly all of the time. In fact, we are so accustomed to our filters of the world that we seldom consider the possibility that the world could be any different than it appears to us.

In the words of Mark Twain, "It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." Often, it is our very certainty that keeps us from exploring alternate views even if those alternate views would be more supportive of our aspirations and dreams. But if we can let go of some of our certainties long enough, then quite literally, the entire universe becomes possible again. So think about it for a moment. What would you do if anything (yes, anything) were really possible again?

And if you don't actually believe that literally anything anything is possible, then I have a special invitation just for you.
I invite you to look at your filters. You might have a virus in there.

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
- Voltaire

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
- Rene Descartes

It is irrelevant what you know. The question is what are you implementing on a daily basis that effects your life.
- Fred Sarkari

Where Do You Stop?

Recently, I heard a very compelling story for why so many of us "stop" in our efforts to get what we want in life before we get them. It is a story about a teeter-totter.

On the left side of this teeter-toter are piled up all of the reasons we can't have something... say, a better job, a healthy relationship, freedom from debt, or whatever. Some of the reasons are legitimate, and some of them are just in our head. It really does not matter which are which... just that the left side of the teeter-totter is weighed down pretty heavily.Now, what we might like to do is to simply kick all of those things off of that side of the teeter-totter, making it easier to push down the side we want. Unfortunately, those efforts are harder to do than we might think because we are actually quite attached to those burdens. Take the case of a better job, for example. Even though we might not like the one we have, it's usually better than being unemployed. Often, we find ourselves in scenarios that are too bad to stay in, but too good to leave unless there is something better already lined up. The point here is not the job... it's that we are attached to the very things that we want to get rid of. We are attached to the same very obstacles we are trying to overcome in our pursuit of something better, faster, more exciting, more fulfilling, or whatever happens to be on the right side of our teeter-totter.

So we start piling up weights on the side that we want -- the right side -- and by all accounts it doesn't make a bit of difference. The left side is still firmly stuck on the ground. So we keep applying to more jobs, looking for other work, talking to our references, etc. but we're still stuck. Again, the job is not the issue here... it's just an example. The point is that up until the very moment where the weight on the right side starts to exceed the weight on the left, we are not going to see movement.

There are two fundamental challenges we face with most of the significant change efforts in our lives. The first is that there is a lot of weight on the left, and half of that weight is invisible to us until we start trying to push against it. It is when we push against it that we begin to see how resistant to change our lives can really be. The second challenge is that because the teeter-totter does not move despite a considerable amount of initial effort, we stop trying! We have this expectation that any amount of work should be met with a comparable amount of progress to show for it. When that turns out to not be the case, we get discouraged.

The solution to this dilemma is also two-fold. The first part of the solution is to let go of our attachment to the right side of the teeter-totter (results). In our results-driven society, that sounds counter-intuitive. However, it is that same focus on results that often leads to giving up prematurely. Instead of focusing on the result, we need to focus on the actions that lead to results. We need to focus on continually adding weight to the right side. To support that effort, rewards also need to be associated with those positive actions, rather than merely with the final result.

The second part of the solution is to notice where you stop. Where do you stop piling weight on the right hand side? How much do you do before you get discouraged? How much positive feedback do you need in order to sustain your positive actions? Sooner or later, we all stop. Your task for the moment is merely to notice where you stop. The precise moment when you notice that you stop, rather than merely stopping but not paying attention, that is the moment of choice where you can gain leverage towards accomplishing your change effort. By noticing where you stop, you are empowered to choose differently -- to keep sustaining the actions that will support your primary goal independent of the attachment to the final result.

Or, in the words of Harriet Beecher Stowe, "Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

The First Signs of Fear

Tonight was my children's first Christmas (they are 6-months old). What they really saw was the Christmas dinner with family. What makes this noteworthy in a business blog is the way that the kids reacted upon being brought into the house with well over thirty people milling about, talking, eating, and laughing. They were scared.

I held my boy in my arms, and it was immediately clear that this was more than just being uncomfortable or over-stimulated. My boy was literally shaking and breathing in short spurts. Even though I knew that there was no danger, he did not. He had no idea what was going on, he had no way of processing it properly, and so his body went into fight or flight, except that he doesn't even have that mastered yet either. I took him into another room that had far fewer people, was a bit quieter, and where he could just nuzzle himself into my chest to calm down.

So as adults, do we really respond to fear any better than my little boy did this evening? Outwardly, we might, but inwardly, I submit that we are often hardly much better. Our greater understanding and maturity, rather than equipping us to handle fear more effectively, merely changes what we are afraid of, and alters the way we respond. As adults, we are afraid

• of failing
• of being alone
• of looking stupid
• of being wrong
• of social embarrassment
• of loosing rank or status
• of losing control
• of making a mistake
• of being the object of scorn, ridicule, or jealousy
• of being ignored
• of being noticed
• of being big, bold, and fantastic
  
• of being misunderstood
  
• of what others think, say, or do
• of taking a stand
• of leading
  
• and so, so, very many other things that this list could go on for pages.

As a parent, my desire was to protect and comfort my child from the fear he perceived, even while knowing it was only in his head. My goal was to allow him to calm down, to become more grounded in the protection and care that I provided, and from there, to be able to enter the room with family again.

As adults, where do we turn to help us deal with the fears that range from simple anxieties, to strong aversions, to over-learned behaviors that have us, in effect, seeking to bury our heads in avoidance? Unfortunately, most of us have reached a point where we simply believe "that's just the way things are," or where we continue with the patterns set in motion from decisions we made when we were far younger in life. Often, we find ourselves stuck in our attempts to overcome the power that fear has over our lives. Many times, there are even things that we want or are committed to in our lives, yet we find ourselves unable to get out of our own way. Our fear has us unable to move forward to achieve these things that are important to us, or which would provide greater fulfillment in our lives.

Enter the coach.

As a life and leadership coach, part of my role is to provide the tools, supports, and structures to allow you to bridge the gap between where you find yourself today, over to the other side of your fears where you can thrive and make forward progress on the things that are important to you. Our goal is not to make the fears go away. Instead, it is to look at how prevalent they are, where they are showing up in your life, and the power those fears have to keep you from your primary goals. Essentially, our job together is to stand on the bridge between your present and your future, from which place you can then start making different choices.


In the end, it was my little boy who decided it was OK to face the family. I simply provided the support that he needed to calm down and be himself again. And on the other side of the fear for him was a room full of people who wanted only to love him. But he couldn't reach any of that until he made the choice that it was OK to cross the bridge.

If you consistently find yourself blocked in your efforts to achieve the future that you envision for yourself, then lets take a walk together to look at your fears, and to learn the tools and structures that will enable you to make different choices. Contact Primary Goals.

I create, I have, Be Cause

Have you ever imagined creating a new life for yourself? Maybe that means changing a few key things about your life right now, or maybe it means completely re-inventing who you are. Regardless of the degree, chances are pretty good that you've gone through that mental exercise more than once. Maybe you've even taken a few first steps to make your vision a reality.

Well, where are you today? What really kept you from achieving the greatness you envisioned or hoped for? What were the forces that brought you back to the present, to "reality" as you know it? We all have our answers to those obstacles, but what would be the impact on your life if you could actually create the possibility of something impossible, then bring it to fruition? That is, in a very real and tangible sense, what if you could make the impossible happen in your life, free from the burden of having to know how to make it so?

The key to this kind of transformation actually rests in the tail end of that question... "free from the burden of having to know how to make it sot so." For most of us, we can easily envision truly great things. In the case of children, that's what they envision almost all the time. But then as soon as we start focusing on how to manifest our visions, we encounter one obstacle after another. Our inability to change rests firmly within the three boundaries of I want, I can't have, and because -- the iron triangle of the status-quo.

So let's look at that triangle in depth, and then figure out how to transform it into something useful for us.



I Want...
The key aspect of "wanting" is to desire, and not have. That seems to make sense because if either one of those factors goes away, the want goes with it. Yet if we go back to childhood, or even just look at any young child today, we see that children are brimming over with things that they want - everything from a new fire-truck to a trip to the moon. At some point as we got older, we learned the difference between wants and needs, despite the efforts of Madison avenue to convince us that they are one in the same thing. Regardless, having learned the distinction, many of us also learned to discount our wants unless they really rose to the category of needs.

I Can't Have.
Having learned the difference between needs and wants, we somehow made it not OK to want things. We learned that wants come with a barrage of negative associations, including: distraction, nuisance, selfish, unrealistic, unreasonable, trivial, foolish, or worse. We learned this from a very young age, with the word "no" coming early in our childhood vocabulary. Further, we learned that the sooner we let go of our wants, the happier we would be. That worked for a while, except for two fundamental flaws. First, we still want what we want. Second, having made a life of trying to reduce our wants in an effort to be happy, we inadvertently quashed our zeal for an absolutely fantastic life that really works. We may believe that we don't deserve it, that it won't last, that it's unattainable, or any number of negative things, but the net result is the same: all too often, we operate from a belief that there are things we simply cannot have in our lives. Lastly, try as we might to bring our wants into being, this nagging belief or fear that we cannot have something ultimately acts as a saboteur for our greatest ambitions.

Worse still is that we often place ourselves in a vicious circle: If I want something big and fantastic, I believe that I can't have it. If I believe that I can't have it, then I'm better off not wanting it. So I tell myself that I don't really want it, and in so doing, that almost assures that I won't get it. No matter where you start in that circle, the end result is an ongoing pressure to think and act small compared to what is really possible in our lives.

Because.
Children have no concept of why they can't have the things that they want, nor do they appreciate delayed satisfaction. They also continue to pursue the reasons "why" things are the way that they are, and the reasons "why" they can't have what they want. As adults, we know that there are good reasons to deny a great many childish wants - safety, convenience, cost, difficulty, fear, protection, etc. However, as adults, many of us are still over-applying the notion of "reasons" to limit our own potential. There is a quote attributed to Mark Twain about a cat that sits on a hot stove never sitting on another for as long as it lives. However, nor will it sit on a cold one. The point here is that we have over-learned too many reasons -- reasons that keep us from really striving for greatness in our lives.

Even when there really are good reasons that we cannot have something in our life, how often do we question the reasonableness of our reasons? Seriously, take a look at the reasons that you believe you cannot have something in your life. Now stop and think about whether those reasons are even reasonable. What I mean by that is the possibility that many long-standing reasons we have for the status-quo are actually getting in our way and can be melted away simply by exploring the possibility of being unreasonable. Being unreasonable is not a negative thing. It does not mean insensible, stupid, irrational, illogical, or outlandish. Rather, it simply means not letting our reasons be a barrier to accomplishing greatness.

Being unreasonable can actually be a gateway towards a new way of being, outside the iron triangle of I want, I can't have, and because. Being unreasonable is sometimes required if we are to make the leap into I Have, I Create, and Be Cause, all of which we will look at next.



I Have
First off, coming from a position of "I Have" is not about deluding yourself with positive affirmations of things that you want to be true but which are not yet so. That would still be coming from I Want. Instead, coming from I Have is about noticing, seeing, recognizing, appreciating, feeling, and valuing all of what is presently in your life. There is a significant body of study on the value of appreciation (Appreciative Inquiry) and that whatever we focus on is what we will get more of. So what is it that you already have, that you would like to create more of?

Even in the case of desiring something that is not yet present in your life, what is present is desire. So start there. Look at what resources you have to make your desire a reality. Look at the tools, skills, and abilities that you have to make your desires real. Most importantly, look at who you are being right now, and recognize the incredible power that comes from your ability to choose who you are through the power of making a declaration, and then taking a stand for the fulfillment of your declaration.

I Create
What you have above all is the ability to create. What you create is possibility, and possibility is created through an act of declaration. We all have the ability to make declarations regarding what we stand for, simply as a byproduct of being human. There is no magic involved here. The power to create the life that you desire for yourself stems form your ability to create who you are through an act of declaration and then living into it. The power to create stems from your spoken word, and from your ability to create possibility. Yes, possibility is a noun, and it comes into being and exists only through an act of declaration. If you want to create a fantastic life, your first act of creation is to create the possibility of your life existing the way that you want it to be.

There are two significant barriers people face to creating a fantastic life. The first is that they don't really know what they want because they find themselves stuck in ambivalence, uncertainty, doubt, confusion, paradox, fear, or resistance to exercising their own power to create. After all, if we admit that we have the ability to create the life that we want, then we also have to accept that the life we have right now is a byproduct of what we personally created, rather than a byproduct of external forces acting upon us. It would mean letting go of the status quo and taking responsibility for what we have today. The second barrier is that we have to start living from a position of being the cause of our life, rather than reacting to it.

Be Cause
When you take a stand on whatever it is that is important to you and start acting consistent with that stand, amazing things start to happen. If this sounds fanciful, new age, or far fetched, the biggest reason it sounds that way is because so few of us take a stand for who we are. Truly taking a stand for who you are also entails acting consistent with your declarations, and this is often a source of significant challenge. It's challenging because there are real and tangible implications to the stand you take, and that includes the consequences that would logically follow.

For example, when I take a stand for positive transformation and greater health in the lives of people and organizations, and I act consistent with this declaration, then I have to give up certain common, comfortable, familiar behaviors in my work environment. It means I can't complain about the things that are "wrong" anymore - I have to take action to correct them in order to be consistent with my stand. And if I lack the power to do so, or to find sponsorship or influence above to make it so, then I have to make a choice about whether I am really in the right place.

In more general terms, life will find a way to challenge the stand that you take, forcing you to choose whether you are your stand (being the cause of your own life), or whether your life is the way it is because of external factors over which you have limited control. Note that this is not strictly an either-or scenario. Instead, it exists as a continuum with "because" on one end, and "be cause" on the other. The way we move the fulcrum is through the declarations we make.



I stand for positive transformation and greater health in the lives of people and organizations.



Part of my role as a coach entails working with clients to break free of the iron triangle, to have the lives they want, to create possibility, and to move the fulcrum from "because" to "be cause." On their own, each component is required, but not sufficient for transformation. Only when all three come together do we start to see real significant shifts occurring in our lives. This is serious work. It entails deep introspection, tough questions, hard choices, and often significant changes. It is also incredibly rewarding. When you are ready to break free of your iron triangle, contact me for a free introductory coaching session where we'll talk about your Primary Goals, and how to make them your dominant reality.

Tell a Good Story

For the past several days there have been two girls selling lemon at the top of the street where I live. they have colorful signs and decorations, and from 500 yards away one can see them energetically bouncing around for attention and the hope of making a sale.

Tonight as I came home from work, a group of about 5 boys of the same age as the girls walked passed, taunting and poking fun at the girl's efforts. I saw their interaction from afar, and only learned the details as I got closer and pulled up to my mailbox. That's when the girls approached me, not to make a sale, but to say how the young boys had hurt their feelings. The boys called the girls "the Wall-Mart of lemonade stands," and said that the girls were "Republicans."

OK, so it's a pretty liberal neighborhood when the latter statement is intended as an epithet. In response to the girl's complaint, I asked if the boys had hurt their feelings, or if the girls had let the boys hurt their feelings.

"But I don't shop at Wall-Mart!" one exclaimed.

"If they say you are the Wall-Mart of lemonade, what does that really mean?"

After a brief pause, the girl admitted "I don't know," with a hint of confusion in her voice.

I told her that "Wall-Mart started out small and became hugely successful because they always focused on delivering value to their customers. So if you really are the Wall-Mart of lemonade, you've got the makings of a very successful young business lady."

"Oh!" She said, with both surprise and a smile on her face.

Because I still had her attention, I continued. "So then whether something is an insult or a compliment really depends on the story we tell our self about what it means." She had a pensive look on her face, and I wondered if what I just told her made any sense at her young age.

"Then I should tell myself a good story," she said, followed by offering me a free lemonade.

So did she really understand? In the story I tell myself she did! But as adults, what are the stories we tell ourselves on a regular basis? Do we see and interpret our environment with stories that bring us life, energy, enthusiasm, and foster a sense of potential? Or have we matured, grown wise and become more cynical (which we tell ourselves is "realistic") about what is actually possible today?

We all have our stories, and we all have good reasons for believing them, based on our life experience. Yet how often do we really evaluate if these stories are even true? Yes, of course, they are true for us now, but the beauty of possibility is that as adults we can also start telling ourselves new stories. We have the ability to consciously choose to create a new reality simply by noticing the stories we tell our self, and making a choice about whether those stories really protect us, or if they restrict us in our lives. And if our stories restrict us, then for goodness sakes, tell a new story! Make it a good one -- full of life, power, passion, potential, and all that is possible.

Oh, and the lemonade was delicious.